End of the year, begin of vacation

It's pouring from the morning. All day long. It's cold and I mean it - COLD. No more than 12C. And grey and rainy. It was also the last day of day care. For me also quite a busy day. I was working home on my article. Later I had to quickly go and pick up few groceries, because tomorrow and on Saturday shops are closed (Juhannus, the shortest night celebrations) and buy a gift for Wanda's friend for his birthday. I wanted to do this before I had one kid at my side. But the idea of groceries came not only to me this afternoon and so it was a crazy day for shoppers. Luckily I didn't need many things. Bought two bunches of roses and two little fancy chocolates and rushed to day cares. It was kind of a sad moment. And happy in the same time too. But somehow I had tears in my eyes and in my mind that whole year - for Tomek such an important year. I almost saw him going there for the first time, still half a baby, with a diaper and not talking at all. And now I came to pick up a boy, independent, potty-trained for long, talkative, singing and making silly jokes. And Wanda? Not that huge of a change during this year, but still. When I came to her day care I saw that teachers has already changed the badges in a cloakroom and now I saw my dauther's name with a shark picture next to it. Sharks - the oldest and last year group. Buuu... my child is growing so fast. It wasn't that long ago either when I brought her to the day care for the first time, my little girl. For me as a person what does it mean one year or even four years - as this is the time which past.  For her is everything she remembers, all her experiences. I just started to write again. I had a break for almost four years, but actually I feel the same and I don't feel that much difference. Oh, anyway, such a mood I have today, it's because of the weather for sure and all the above circumstances.
But, hey, summer vacation just started!
And I promised to update the midnight view from my window. Here it is, from June 16.

My kids

My kids.

Wanda. So big already. So clever, intelligent. Loves to learn. Can already read in Polish and in English, but the latter is quite tricky for her. She can write and she writes. Her homeworks in English and just for fun in Polish. She has written in my notebook, I love you the most mommy in Polish. Tears in my eyes. She wants to be nice, to be kind, to please me and my husband, but of course she fights with her little brother. Obvious. But she loves him so so much and to be true she forgives him quite a lot. I love to watch them play together, discuss stuff, make deals, agree or disagree, but eventually get to the point. She still continues her book of short stories. It goes like last year. She tells the story and I write it down, without my corrections, just how she likes to have it. After we are done, she makes a picture. Creative. I don't know if this is this age, this development stage, but she loves rules and fairness. Everything must be fair. "It's not fair!" Is her favorite exclamation recently. And also recently she agreed voluntarily to the rule she would only watch and play on iPad or watch movies on the weekends. And it is so good for all of us. Since that rule was established we read much more, she draw much more and plays and do different interesting things.
Tomek. Changing a lot every day. Now almost without a diaper. Big step to becoming a boy not a baby anymore, big step to independence. Oh yes, he loves being independent, do things by himself. He is talking a lot and he can really speak quite good already. Full sentences, describing what someone or something is doing, what he wish do do or have, what are we going to do etc. He loves to emulate his sister, but also he likes to bother her. He is such a smart boy, playing games with us, making funny jokes and pretending. 

Mother's moments

It is hard to be a mother of two. And now I'm not talking about taking care itself, cause with that I'm quite well so far. I mean my feelings and feelings of my daughter - this is what has changed since there is another baby at home. Obviously I'm all the time with our baby-boy - nursing or holding him. And for that reasons I can not cuddle Wanda at the same time. And I feel the little baby stays between us. He takes me from my daughter. I want to be as close as I always was with Wanda, but I can not anymore. I do my best, but it is difficult. And the other thing is Wanda now is much more into her father. Now everything is with daddy, daddy this, daddy that, I love you daddy etc. They really have their own world and I am not there. I'm with a baby. And of course it is a beautiful time and best feelings for him but I miss my little Wanda and how it was before the baby was born. It is strange I know. I have to adjust. I think Wanda doesn't feel like that. And maybe it is also this age for a little girl that she becomes daddy's little lady :) It is also so important for her development. So maybe I should be happy that she's not jealous because of having to share mommy's time with the baby, but she simply more and more enjoys her time with daddy. I think it is hardest for me to adjust and to learn my new role - being a mom of two and having my love for the two and sharing me and my time among them.

Welcome on board

And so the new chapter in our life has already begun. And it began right on time. Our tiny son came to this world exactly as it was said: on September 29 at 0.54 AM. This is just the Finnish way, they don't like to be late. So, how it was? As I mentioned in my previous post the waters broke on Friday very early in the morning, sometime between 5 and 6 AM. But I felt fine, no contractions yet. So the day started as usual. My husband took Wanda to her daycare and he went to work. But I felt not as usual. I was already so excited and happy that it finally started. And of course I've got this crazy energy for cleaning the house. I cleaned the bathrooms but stopped myself from vacuuming and other house chores. Instead I played my relaxation CD and fell asleep with it as usual. I was jumping on my ball. I called my sister and my mom. And some light contractions started. They were about 20 minutes apart and quite light, so I proudly made what I've learned during my HypnoBirthing classes, that is those long and slow breathing. And I waited what's next. I called the hospital and they said if nothing would changed I should show up at 5 PM, that is after 12 hours from the breaking of waters so they can check if everything is fine. We went all together with Wanda. They took us to a room where they could monitor the baby's heart rate. It took two hours and actually during that time my contractions started to be quite uncomfortable, intense and even quite painful and with a frequency of 10 minutes. So, around 7.30 PM the midwife asked if I want to go back home or stay there. We decided it will be easier if I stay there. So Adam and Wanda went home and I stayed in a room and waited what's next. After an hour the contractions were painful and around 9.30 PM they started to be more frequent, about 5 minutes apart. So after having them for 50 minutes I told about them the midwife and she said it's time to move to the delivery room. Another midwife, who stayed with me for my whole labor welcomed me there at around 10.40 PM. She gave me the ball, she brought me a warm pillow and put it to my back, she made a dim light and was very nice, asking what she can do for me. So first I was sitting on a ball and on a rocking chair and I still could do my slow and relaxing breathing during the contractions. But with every one which came next it was harder and harder to be up and so I lay down on a bed with that warm pillow and I still tried to be as calm as possible and relaxed. But I couldn't anymore because they started to be very painful. It started to be sort of a fight with every contraction and waiting for it to go away. My midwife asked, if I need any painkiller. First I said no, I can stand it. But after some time I asked for the laughing gas. I don't know if it was of any help, but at least I had something distracting to do, when I felt that the next contraction is coming. So I was breathing this funny air through the mask harder and harder. And I was no more relaxed and I couldn't think about my easy and gentle birth. I was in terrible pain and I had even the feeling of fear how much more I could stand and that I want it over. I don't know what time it was, probably around midnight when my midwife asked me again if I need any stronger painkiller and that the only thing is actually epidural. I said between contractions that I try to withstand from that, I try for some more time. She checked me and I was dilated 6 cm. The contractions were stronger and stronger, and still more frequent. I was gasping the gas like crazy, although it didn't seem to make the pain any lesser. Soon after that I started to have the urge to push and it was even harder to stand. I felt like my all inner organs are going to go out. She checked again - 9 cm. She said, good, it's going to be soon, you are doing great, good job, push, when you feel like doing that. But than she asked me to go on all four because the baby's heart rate is going down. She said it will help the baby. But being on all four during the contractions was almost impossible for me, cause I just didn't have enough power in my legs and arms. I was falling down on a bed. And than suddenly some other people came to the room, a midwife and a doctor. My midwife said they will help me, cause the baby should be born very soon. And that they have to use the vacuum. At that moment I was like in a different world, all overwhelmed with myself and my body and my pain and the only thing I wanted - I wanted to be done with that. And I pushed down, now screaming and crying "I can't any more! Can't stand it!!!!" but I could somehow, gasping the gas, not thinking, feeling that incredible pain and wanted to be over. They supported me: you can do it, it's almost over. It took maybe couple of minutes but I thought it's forever. I heard voices: just one more push, push when you are ready, when you have the contraction, push as much as you can, yes, good job. And than I felt that most incredible and most painful feeling ever when the baby's head was going through the birth canal. I thought it's my end, that this will tear my body apart into two. But it didn't. And instead after a moment the baby was outside. And I was trembling, shaking. My whole body was shaking like crazy, every muscle. And I've got him to my belly. Happy I guess, but at that moment I couldn't say what I felt. Most probably I could call it a release. A big "uff" and "that was that" sort of thoughts. I was lying on that bed calmly and so was my baby. Only when everything was over they told me the heart rate fell to just 50 bits per minute and that's why they had to make it as fast as possible although I was actually ready myself, so they only made sure there won't be any complications. Soon all the doctors left saying congratulations and I stayed again only with my midwife, who again had turned the lights off. She helped me to birth the placenta, she made some stitches and after all was done she just gave me my time with my precious newborn baby. We were lying there for two hours without any interruptions. I called my husband, actually I did it immediately after giving birth, like ten minutes after the baby was born. He was so proud of me. And ah, well, the new life was born. The new story has already begun. And you know what? Not long ago I had those thoughts about loving my second child and how it will be. There are no second thoughts any more. I'm totally in love with him, he's so cute and lovely and I have tons of love for him. And I still have the same love for Wanda as I had always before. There that was born not only a new child but also together with him new huge love. And this is a miracle of life. Now we are really a complete family.

My broken heart...

After the first two perfect days in a day care there came a drawback. When I came Wednesday afternoon she bursted out crying and yes, her teacher said, she was missing me. Thursday she was still very happy in the morning and on our way, but started to cry when we got there. I left her crying with my heart totally broken and cried myself after I left the place. That was such a stressful day! I came earlier, she was sad for the first couple of minutes. It must be stress for her too. She woke up late in the evening crying and came to my bed. In the morning she said she doesn't like the daycare anymore and wants to stay with me and go for a walk with me. I was fighting myself to keep cheerful mood and encourage her to dress and get ready. But when we came there it was same as yesterday. Tough time for her and for me too. And those questions in my mind, do I make the right thing? I'll pick her up earlier today and I thing I will do this for the next week so she can easier adjust to the new schedule. It's just a long day for her and all of a sudden a huge change in her life. I love her so much.

My big girl in a day care

The new school year has already started. Today it was Wanda's first day after the summer vacation in her day care. I was almost sure she will get along fine since she knows the place and the teachers and some of the kids. But as every mother I was little concerned if everything would really go well. And it went perfectly well. Already yesterday during breakfast she said she wants to the day care. Today she woke up in a great mood and was excited while I was preparing a lunch box for her. She was so calm and relaxed all the way and she went to the place like there won't be any summer break. The teachers Xenia and Milla welcomed her with a huge smile and hugs and warm words. This is another nice thing - they are the same teachers she had last year, so basicaly nothing changed. And after just couple of minutes I left Wanda who was already busy with some toys. She gave me a kiss and I left. I was surprised it went so smoothly. I felt weird sort of that she let me go just like that. I was a little bit sad to be honest, that I'm leaving her for a whole day. I know me crazy mom! And when I came to pick her up all the group was playing in a park. Wanda welcomed me with a big and happy smile and her loving eyes. And she said she liked the day. Her teacher told me she was so proud of Wanda and I was so so proud of my beloved little daughter. Now I will have so much time only for myself! For the first time in the last three years! And for the last time in the coming at least two or again three years... I wonder when I start to miss Wanda and to want her at home :)

The "why?" question

It started just recently. Wanda wants to now "why?" About basically everything she sees around her. Like yesterday when we went to a nice park on an island (Tervasaari). To get to the island you have to walk along the little marina - now full packed with boats. So she saw the people around those boats. "Why they are standing over there?" "Because they probably want to get to their boat." "Why?" "Maybe they want to have a ride, go to the see." "Why?" "The weather is so nice and they enjoy spending time on their boat". OK, she's watching them, than she sees a lady walking on a pier. "Why is she walking there?" She sees people lying on a lawn. "Why do they lie there?" She sees a dog's playground and there are some huge wooden dog statues. "Why there are those dogs?" And so forth. Sometimes it's fun to answer her questions, but sometimes I feel I get lost and I feel a lack of more explanations or just no more creativity in finding a quick and simple but still sufficient answer. Oh, and she found her old book "The very hungry caterpillar". She used to love this book, but we didn't read it for ages. So I started to read it to her. "In the night in the moonlight a little egg was lying on a leaf" (this is just my not accurate translation form my Polish version of the book, sorry for any errors). And my little daughter immediately asked: "Why?" "Why what honey?" "Why is was lying on that leaf?" "Hm, good question, I don't know actually, where the egg came from and how it got to that leaf, they don't tell us this fact in the book, but let's read what's next". The caterpillar is very hungry and eats constantly. On Monday he ate one apple, but he was still hungry. "Why?" "Because...." etc. etc. It was really funny to read the book now, cause I realized that this book is definitely for younger kids. My girl is already too smart to take such facts for granted :) And it's cool that we can now really discuss things. Another curious period just started!