Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Fulfillment

Last Saturday while sitting with my parents, my husband and the kids in Kappeli cafe in the Esplanadi Park I had suddenly those thoughts. I'm done with pregnancies. I don't have to plan another child and when would be the right time for that and how to organize everything and how many more years I do have to make a baby etc. I already have my complete family and there won't be any more morning sickness, no more growing belly, no more all the other not that great symptoms of being pregnant. And that was a relief. That was such a nice, calming feeling. Why in that cafe? Because I remember being there with my sister who came to help me in late February (while I was struggling with the morning sickness and horrible mood) and we went there to celebrate my birthday. And I remember that I still didn't feel well and was not in a mood. And later I was there with my sister and my cousin and after I ate a cake I felt so horribly full and big. And than again in May I was there with my mom and with my quite a big belly. But than suddenly last Saturday I felt so well, my baby was asleep in his stroller and my daughter was happy eating her piece of cake and I felt like "I don't have to do anything more". That's a beautiful feeling. Now I only have to lose those couple of kilograms, but that's a piece of cake. Well, maybe better without that piece of cake ;) anyway...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Day by day

What should I write? During the last three weeks nothing special has happened. Day after day looks same. Night after night I am more and more tired - this is the only difference. My new routine is now nursing and nursing and then nursing some more. Cuddling and cuddling and then trying to catch up with some sleep myself. Yes, the nights are hard and I really forgot how it was with our first one. You forget it so fast! And now again the same and the bad news is it won't change for the next 12 months... I don't know, but maybe I'm too old for that already. I'd love to go out for long walks but the weather this year is so bad. It's cold (now usually no more than 5 to 7C) it's rainy - dark and grey all the time for the whole month. Crazy! But of course I enjoy all the time I spend with my little baby, who is growing so fast. Every afternoon I pack him to the car and we go to pick up Wanda from her daycare. She's so proud of having a baby brother. And she's such a great girl. She's so smart and so clever. Her English is now fantastic. And she learns some Finnish too. She can already count up to ten. So, yes, not much to say just my simple mother's life. But I enjoy it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

It's different

In any sense of those words it is different. When I compare how were my feelings towards Wanda after she was born and how are they now. With Wanda I was in a euphoric state, my state of mind was pure happiness, I felt like I was not walking any more but flying overwhelmed with total joy. But soon after came stress about everything I was doing with her - what does that crying mean, should I do this or that - and to find answers I was rushing to my books like "The happiest baby on the block" or on the other pole of the scale Tracy Hogg Baby Book. And I was frustrated because my baby didn't work like babies in the books. And now is different. I'm so totally calm and relaxed so far. I trust myself, my intuition and my love. I don't rush to any books. I'm enjoying the moments having my baby on my belly. I just follow him and myself. And it makes me feel good. But also I don't have that euphoria. It doesn't mean my joy and love is any less than with Wanda. No, it is just very different. I feel so peaceful. I feel that our family is so complete now. I love this tiny creature - this tiny miracle of life. I enjoy every minute with him. I'm so happy but in a calm and peaceful way. Different are also the objective conditions. The standard of life we have here comparing to the one in the States. It makes a huge difference. When our daughter was born it was mid July in New Jersey. If any of you is familiar with the weather conditions out there knows that it is usually 35C and very humid and no wind and no clouds at all. And we had a poor AC so in our apartment was hot and unpleasant. The AC working full time made that horrible noise. It was impossible to take the baby outside cause any later than 6 AM it was too hot already. So for the first month I was literary stuck in our bedroom. And now we have very nice and comfy apartment, the weather is like you can see - cool, but it's October already. I have everything I need for me and the baby, my husband has two weeks of paternal leave and he's relaxed too. So, anyway it's just this good feeling that everything is all right and right on time and in a right place.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Welcome on board

And so the new chapter in our life has already begun. And it began right on time. Our tiny son came to this world exactly as it was said: on September 29 at 0.54 AM. This is just the Finnish way, they don't like to be late. So, how it was? As I mentioned in my previous post the waters broke on Friday very early in the morning, sometime between 5 and 6 AM. But I felt fine, no contractions yet. So the day started as usual. My husband took Wanda to her daycare and he went to work. But I felt not as usual. I was already so excited and happy that it finally started. And of course I've got this crazy energy for cleaning the house. I cleaned the bathrooms but stopped myself from vacuuming and other house chores. Instead I played my relaxation CD and fell asleep with it as usual. I was jumping on my ball. I called my sister and my mom. And some light contractions started. They were about 20 minutes apart and quite light, so I proudly made what I've learned during my HypnoBirthing classes, that is those long and slow breathing. And I waited what's next. I called the hospital and they said if nothing would changed I should show up at 5 PM, that is after 12 hours from the breaking of waters so they can check if everything is fine. We went all together with Wanda. They took us to a room where they could monitor the baby's heart rate. It took two hours and actually during that time my contractions started to be quite uncomfortable, intense and even quite painful and with a frequency of 10 minutes. So, around 7.30 PM the midwife asked if I want to go back home or stay there. We decided it will be easier if I stay there. So Adam and Wanda went home and I stayed in a room and waited what's next. After an hour the contractions were painful and around 9.30 PM they started to be more frequent, about 5 minutes apart. So after having them for 50 minutes I told about them the midwife and she said it's time to move to the delivery room. Another midwife, who stayed with me for my whole labor welcomed me there at around 10.40 PM. She gave me the ball, she brought me a warm pillow and put it to my back, she made a dim light and was very nice, asking what she can do for me. So first I was sitting on a ball and on a rocking chair and I still could do my slow and relaxing breathing during the contractions. But with every one which came next it was harder and harder to be up and so I lay down on a bed with that warm pillow and I still tried to be as calm as possible and relaxed. But I couldn't anymore because they started to be very painful. It started to be sort of a fight with every contraction and waiting for it to go away. My midwife asked, if I need any painkiller. First I said no, I can stand it. But after some time I asked for the laughing gas. I don't know if it was of any help, but at least I had something distracting to do, when I felt that the next contraction is coming. So I was breathing this funny air through the mask harder and harder. And I was no more relaxed and I couldn't think about my easy and gentle birth. I was in terrible pain and I had even the feeling of fear how much more I could stand and that I want it over. I don't know what time it was, probably around midnight when my midwife asked me again if I need any stronger painkiller and that the only thing is actually epidural. I said between contractions that I try to withstand from that, I try for some more time. She checked me and I was dilated 6 cm. The contractions were stronger and stronger, and still more frequent. I was gasping the gas like crazy, although it didn't seem to make the pain any lesser. Soon after that I started to have the urge to push and it was even harder to stand. I felt like my all inner organs are going to go out. She checked again - 9 cm. She said, good, it's going to be soon, you are doing great, good job, push, when you feel like doing that. But than she asked me to go on all four because the baby's heart rate is going down. She said it will help the baby. But being on all four during the contractions was almost impossible for me, cause I just didn't have enough power in my legs and arms. I was falling down on a bed. And than suddenly some other people came to the room, a midwife and a doctor. My midwife said they will help me, cause the baby should be born very soon. And that they have to use the vacuum. At that moment I was like in a different world, all overwhelmed with myself and my body and my pain and the only thing I wanted - I wanted to be done with that. And I pushed down, now screaming and crying "I can't any more! Can't stand it!!!!" but I could somehow, gasping the gas, not thinking, feeling that incredible pain and wanted to be over. They supported me: you can do it, it's almost over. It took maybe couple of minutes but I thought it's forever. I heard voices: just one more push, push when you are ready, when you have the contraction, push as much as you can, yes, good job. And than I felt that most incredible and most painful feeling ever when the baby's head was going through the birth canal. I thought it's my end, that this will tear my body apart into two. But it didn't. And instead after a moment the baby was outside. And I was trembling, shaking. My whole body was shaking like crazy, every muscle. And I've got him to my belly. Happy I guess, but at that moment I couldn't say what I felt. Most probably I could call it a release. A big "uff" and "that was that" sort of thoughts. I was lying on that bed calmly and so was my baby. Only when everything was over they told me the heart rate fell to just 50 bits per minute and that's why they had to make it as fast as possible although I was actually ready myself, so they only made sure there won't be any complications. Soon all the doctors left saying congratulations and I stayed again only with my midwife, who again had turned the lights off. She helped me to birth the placenta, she made some stitches and after all was done she just gave me my time with my precious newborn baby. We were lying there for two hours without any interruptions. I called my husband, actually I did it immediately after giving birth, like ten minutes after the baby was born. He was so proud of me. And ah, well, the new life was born. The new story has already begun. And you know what? Not long ago I had those thoughts about loving my second child and how it will be. There are no second thoughts any more. I'm totally in love with him, he's so cute and lovely and I have tons of love for him. And I still have the same love for Wanda as I had always before. There that was born not only a new child but also together with him new huge love. And this is a miracle of life. Now we are really a complete family.